I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
