I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
