these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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