Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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