Someone shit on the floor
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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