She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
