she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
