I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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