Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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