I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
