I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
