Do you still have your period?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
