so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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