Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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