i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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