I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
