I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
