Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
