My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
