Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
