I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
