I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
