I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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