Umm I'm too high to move.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
