i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
