she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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