I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
