I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
