I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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