He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm gonna fight the coyote
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
