hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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