Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
