I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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