So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
