I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
