You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
