Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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