he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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