My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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