I haven't been this sober since birth.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
