I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
