her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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