What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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