your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
