i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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