i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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