i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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