I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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