So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
