Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
