Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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